Old Blog Entries – An Intrusion


Around 10:15 pm in the evening of July 28, Socks came over to move in some more of her belongings. She’s been migrating into my apartment in steps, some clothes here, some books & DVDs there…and on this particular night she brought her toiletries.

This fact would prove more than fortuitous. Amongst the feminine products, the shampoos, and the bounty of lotions, was a grooming tool that in less than 6 hours would become a godsend.

We went to sleep at quarter after midnight. I recall little from whatever dream was spinning during my REM cycle. But it wasn’t agreeable. I believe I was being verbally accosted by some strange past figure…by a friend, a relative? Anywho, that unpleasantness was strong enough to rouse me. And then immediately a creature of some sort jumped into my ear. The sound it made wasn’t unlike the Spiderman comic sounds when he uses his webslingers, an abrupt PFFFTPPPT!

Now, awaking from a night terror is awful enough. You’re disoriented, your breathing is accelerated, and your anxiety levels are tipping into the red. But to have your ear cavity penetrated by an unknown entity, at the exact same time, well that is a co-mingling of too many stressful events which can’t help but precipitate a wet panic.

The “thing” began to scuffle inside my ear. It can’t get out. It doesn’t know where it is or what’s happened either. And it is starting to panic as well.

I lept out of bed, bounded into my bathroom and flipped on the fluorescents. A flash — visions of being a child in Florida, stuck awake on countless humid nights, wondering if Black Widows or Brown Recluses will climb into my nostrils or ears and kill me in my sleep. It’s a fucking spider. I have to get it out.

I craned my neck and investigated my left ear’s reflection in the mirror. I couldn’t see anything protruding from the “hole” or external auditory canal. It was completely inside.

What I did next could only be described as using “moronic child logic.” I covered both nostrils with my forefinger and thumb and blew through my nose. I guess I thought I could pressure the creature out.

This had the unintended effect of causing the insect to writhe more. And with each session of writhing it burrowed a little further into my ear cavity. The legs cause louder noises and vibrations. It’s awful. I hope it’s not shitting in fear or laying eggs…

I let out an emasculating, girlish scream and shoved open the bathroom door. “Cindy, wake up! There is a spider in my ear and you have to get it out!” Socks joined me swiftly enough to suggest she had already been awoken by my blowing fit. With a mixture of concern and dubiousness she peered at me and replied, “Okay let me see if I can take it out with my tweezers.”

She grabbed the ear pliers from her newly erected toiletries shelf and led me to the bathtub. I leaned over the porcelain rim and turned my head to its side. Socks seemed to be peering inside. “Do you see it?” I felt the tips of the tweezers graze the outer ridge of my ear canal. Socks was being timid. “I don’t want to hurt your ear drum.” It’s getting deeper…get the monstrosity out.

“There’s nothing in there, Aaron, it’s just hair.” Another spasm of movement, the insect is scissor kicking inside my skull. “NO! It’s in there! I can feel – you have to get it out, you can’t see it?!?” Sighing, Socks told me to stand still and went back in for another attempt. “Be still.” This time I felt some relief, like the insect was being dragged to a shallower trough, its cerci* moving upwards along my cartilage.

“Oh my god.”

Socks makes a dry vomiting sound. She continued pulling with the tweezers and I felt the thing slowly leave the vicinity of my ear. I hear a pathetic little wet hit on the tub floor. “Ughhhh.” Socks continued to make various noises of revulsion as I turned to confront my intruder.

It was not a spider. No instead the little mongrel was a cricket, a bit over an inch long (two inches with legs) and about half an inch in diameter. And the fucker was still kicking.

I decided to bag him up for photos the next day:

Surely every young couple who tries co-habitation encounters some mild road bumps; but only a very special few get to share the pleasures of insect-from-ear-canal removal. I think my ole lady passed with flying colors.

* paired appendages on the rear-most segments of many arthropods


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